Sarah Palin’s Vision of America – One Possible Speech from India

As reported yesterday, Sarah Palin has refused to allow media to cover her visit to India.   In spite of the fact that we would be able to watch the actual speech entitled “My Vision of America”  I wanted to share with you my expectations about what she would or could say.  If she deviates from her standard cookie-cutter speech, she might say…

“My Vision of America” by Sarah Palin

Do you love your freedom?  I would like to begin today by thanking the members of the military who are here for their service to the United States? Go ahead…stand up and be recognized……….or not…

In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge, a Republican, signed the Indian Citizenship Act making all Indians who were not already citizens of the United States, official citizens.    For the last 1924 years we have recognized you as citizens, entitled to all the benefits and responsibilities of the U.S. Constitution.  A lot of you people have come to live in the Lower 48, but few have made it to Alaska.  Perhaps it’s because you get too cold in your teepees in Alaska, or perhaps there are no buffalo roaming the tundra to provide you the meat you crave.  I assure you the moose and caribou are a good substitute.  In fact my favorite family recipe is for Mukopadhyay Moose and Caribou Curry Jerky.  In fact I think I still have some curry under my fingernails.

In Sarah Palin’s Alaska we call Indians “Eskimos.” This is a disparaging term which means “eaters of raw flesh.”  What do you call eaters of raw fruits and vegetables?  Vegimo?

I love your country.  I’ve been shopping at the Taja Mall and I’ve eaten pastrami at your New Deli.   I have built dikes in the Indian Ocean and visited Ronald Reagan’s birth place.   You know I’m a hunter, and I’ve bagged 10 leopards since I’ve been here.

I already had a pair of shoes,

but now I have enough for an entire room.

TLC is making a reality show here called “Slum Bitch Millionaire.”  While I’m filming that, Todd made time to take advantage of your hospitality at the India House Massage Parlour.  My little papoose, Trig, couldn’t accompany us on this trip but I got him an Indian headband  and some Indian corn as mementos of the trip.  He was so cute when he waived good-bye, saying “Mum-bye”.  I’m going to surprise the babysitter with an authentic Sacagawea  coin just to let her know we were thinking of her while we were here.  I thought I’d get Willow a peace pipe, but they didn’t have the kind she likes.  I had planned to get Piper a blanket but Todd said I should be leery of the large pox on Indian blankets.

I have about $10,000,000 in Caucasian dollars. However here I can get 45 times that in Dark Rupees.  However I’m not an elite, and I’ll keep my Caucasian status.  I had hoped to take in some basketball while here, but the only sport I could find involved some kind of black insect.  Even though I wasn’t crazy about that insect game, I got the last hot dog at Custer’s Stand, and it was yummy!

Let’s talk about my vision of America.  I see America through my glasses.

Even though the glasses are just for show , you have to admit that I need all the help I can get. If they enhance people’s perception that I know what I’m talking about, then they are worth the price.

My vision of America is:

1. America is a country where we protect the rights of the mentally ill to own guns

2.  America is a country where the government provides free health care to people who eat raw flesh while their relatives disparage that very government.

3.  In America you can convince people you are a basketball champion even if you only scored 6 points in the final 3 championship games.

4.  In America we protect the right of free speech for everyone who agrees with me.

5.  In America you can “target” Congressmen and women.  When they are shot, you can claim that you were the victim.  You can even use words to disparage the religion of the victims, because they are dead or in the hospital.

6.  In America, if you know the right people, you can hack into a person’s computer, and no criminal charges will be filed.  Later you can still testify about the trauma you suffered when you were victimized by someone hacking into your computer.

7.  In America your mom can get pregnant out of wedlock, you can have pre-marital sex, have a baby while an unmarried teenager and still get paid to give speeches about the importance of abstinence.

8.  In America, if your spouse is the target of a report by a prostitute saying that he paid her for her services, you don’t have to deny it.  Your lawyer can get the police to exonerate him so you don’t have to deny the truth of the allegations.

9.  In America you can be worth millions of dollars, and people will still GIVE you money.  I’m talking about retired and unemployed people who live off of social security.  They will give me their last dollar, even if it’s not enough to pay the expense of washing my underwear.

10.  In America you can be mentally ill and still run for one of the highest offices in the land.

11.  In America you can be the author of a best-selling book, even though you didn’t read or write it.

12.  In America you can tell people you are “all about job creation”  and at the same time endorse a candidate that out sourced 30,000 jobs. People will really believe you when you lie.  They will believe you when you say:

“ She’s not a career politician. She’s a businesswoman who has run a major corporation. She knows how to really incentivize job creation. Her fiscal conservatism is rooted in real life experience.

13.  In America you can tell people you are opposed to abortion, but endorse a political candidate who “used abortion as her preferred method of birth control.”

14.  America is a country where if people devote hundreds of hours and millions of dollars getting you elected to a position like Governor, you still have the choice to quit.

15.  In America,  you can say you talk to God, and nobody can say you don’t.  God is the only one to be able to  confirm that you lied and if somebody says God said you lied, then they must have talked to God too.  Thus, you can say anything you want, and pretend that it was God’ fault, or God’s will, and who can say you are wrong.  If people aren’t paying attention to what you say God said, you can write it down and publish it  in a book so people can remember.

16.  In America you can say stupid things in speeches, and nobody seems to care.

17.  In America you can be a hypocrite and people don’t care if you are pretty enough.

18.  In America if our husbands get out of line we throw cans of food at them.

19.  In America there are a lot of corrupt bastards.

20.  In America bloggers have the audacity to write the truth about me.

My vision for America is that it stays just the way it is with one exception.  Those child-molesting, puppy kicking, limp, impotent, gutless, corrupt bastard, elite members of the mainstream media,and those ugly bloggers should realize that it is faster and easier to lie, than to spend all that time reporting the truth and citing authority for everything they report.