Before the second Palin-family-vacation-bus-tour really got re-started, it ended. This time there was no “jury duty” explanation. Sarah Palin acted as if she was surprised that school was starting for Piper. Although I would like to believe that Grandma Sarah was paying attention to one of my posts, that explanation seems unlikely. Several other theories have been suggested. These reasons are pure speculation and are no more or less believable than the excuse of “jury duty.” Just as you know that things Palin says may be untrue, know that these excuses are equally untrue.
1. Palin is scheduled to be featured as the first customer in “Big Hair,” the new reality show starring Sarah Palin. Under a new amendment to the film tax credit law, Alaskan tax payers will actually pay a film company to make a movie featuring a female, Ex-Governor, with four or more children, who quit her job as Governor, provided she has a father named Chuck.
2. Willow’s parole officer has demanded a parent-parolee meeting.
3. Chief of Police Mew is insisting on a hand delivery of his monthly payment.
4. The Attorney General wants a little appreciation.
5. Todd was home-sick and was unable to get internet on the bus, and he had a back log of e-mails to send.
6. Trig’s babysitter meant what she said when she threatened to leave if she didn’t get at least one day off this year.
7. Sarah said her water had broken and she was in pre-mature labor with a 6th child. She didn’t want to have a fish-picker born in Iowa.
8. Sarah was expecting company. Her friends from North Korea would arrive any day and Sarah was fresh out of moose meat.
9. God told her to go home.
10. Bristol was in need of her mother after her breast realignment surgery.
11. The judge was really serious when he said Palin couldn’t use the “One Nation” bus logo.
12. Track was arrested in Arizona because he didn’t have his citizenship papers on him when he was stopped for DUI.
13. Sarah finally read America by Heart, and realized the joke was on her.
14. Palin hired Randy Travis to play in Alaska where she was going to conduct her own poll.
15. Sarah heard that Ronald Reagan would be vacationing in Alaska and she wanted to meet him.
16. Rick Perry was doing a cheer camp at Wasilla high, and Sarah wanted to give him her pitch for a V.P. spot.
17. Michele Bachmann agreed to do a mud-wrestling fund raiser in Anchorage with Sarah.
18. Marcus Bachmann had agreed to teach Todd to make corny-dogs if they could do it the weekend of the mud-wrestling event.
19. Sarah wanted to change her pedicure, and go with a red-white-and blue theme instead of the one she chose to reflect the conflict between she and Obama.
(these are really her toes)
20. Sarah was trying to reload but she was all out of ammunition, so she was forced to retreat.
21. Sarah Palin’s Undefeated was making its DVD debut at the Wal-Mart in Wasilla.
22. The bus had a wreck, Palin didn’t want to take responsibility, so she quit.
23. Todd needed medical care for the seizure he had in Iowa. He was denied medical attention by his insurance company as they said it was a pre-existing condition, arising out of a traumatic brain injury dating back to the first year of his marriage when diet dr. pepper only came in cans. By going back to Alaska, he could get state funded health care as a result of his Eskimo ancestry.
24. Sarah wanted to reconnect with her friends in Russia.
25. On Sunday Sarah heard bells and she thought Paul Revere was warning her that Rick Perry was coming.
26. Fox News wouldn’t send Gretta Van Sustern to cover this new bus tour, and in her place sent Kathy Griffin.
27. Her old friend Glen Beck endorsed Michele Bachman. Sarah went home to try to Restore Her Honor.
28. Diana had another squirmish.
29. The toilet in the bus got stopped up.
30. The local Wal-Mart was having a sale on hair pieces.
31. Chuck said there was a picture of Bristol stapled to the telephone pole and she was naked.
32. Sarah didn’t want to miss the signing deadline to run for mayor of Wasilla.
33. Sarah’s psychiatrist wouldn’t renew her prescription without a visit.
34. Taco Bell was having a two-for-one special on Crunch-Wraps.
35. Palin said “I don’t want to be seen as stringing people along.”Long ago she said she would announce her intention to run on the Bob and Mark show which is broadcast in Alaska. Bob and Mark said she better return to announce soon before their managers refused to give her air time. The station manager said that if she didn’t announce soon, she would have to announce Willow’s pregnancy at the same time as her bid for the White House, to create sufficient viewer interest.
malialitman
MaliaLitman.com 
LOL
Hopefully, God did tell her to go home and she listened.
Great photo of the whale (in the Wal-Mart bag) who bought all of the tickets for the showing for the screening of Sarah’s summer hit movie. He was supposed to get a free t-shirt, but as you can see, Sarah stiffed him, also, too.
Great post, Malia. Love your blog!
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Oh yeah, Malia, I almost forgot to mention… we grew up calling Marcus Bachmann’s (and Todd Palin’s, also, too I’ve heard) favorite phallic fun foods “corny-dogs” as well.
That’s my alliteration for the day!
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I think you’ve got her covered, Maila, although I wish she had civered those disgusting toes! My favorite post today was some guy on Politicus who commented that the “fusion of these great intellectuals” should read “CON-fusion.” I thought the same thing regarding the Beck-Palin debacle scheduled for October. Hopefully she’ll be cowering in her padded room by then as the doctors try to find the right medication for her paranoid shcizophrenia.
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“Chief of Police Mew is insisting on a hand delivery of his monthly payment.”
I think I’m going to have to choose this reason as the most likely. Either that or Mew just raided another meth lab and promised to go halfsies with Sarah on the siezed drugs.
And what about: There’s no more moose meat in the freezer. Sarah needs to go back to Alaska, requisition a National Guard helicopter and a M16 and shoot her some meeses from the air…you know, like real hunters do.
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I hope this is the beginning of the end for her. She gets worse every time she sticks her ugly head out of her hole.
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Malia, you missed a big one, well two actually. She forgot her “girls,” whatever it is she uses to puff up her blouse for the men in the audience.
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She had to go home to get the twins for the next layover. She just realized that without them, she’s not being taken seriously not getting her some ‘respect’.
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SC_Gnomie,
Twins or no twins, I’m not sure people ever took her seriously!
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I think she wasn’t getting the attention she thought she should and, besides, the exhibits and historic sites weren’t all that interesting. The only thing that keeps her bus on the road is the paparatzi and they just weren’t all that interested t his time. PS Nail polish won’t cure that foot fungus; somebody ought to tell her.
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sunnyskies,
What was she thinking to have poka dots on her nails? How is that Presidential? The least she could do is use red white and blue!
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No,Malia. The reason she aborted the bus trip was because she got a good look at the bull in the animal shelter at the fair. Sarah screamed,”Tawd,you told me nothing on earth had more than 4 inches.”
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MO Inkslinger,
that’s what she deserves for believing Todd!
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Looks like she used the “ole bus tour” for an excuse to crash the Iowa straw poll party. Boy did she blow this one all to hell. There was not one positive story out there about this little “family vacay”. From Sarah pissing off the right wing AS, to Todd getting his a@@ handed to him by that wonderful woman from Alaska, to John Kings segment, “The Audacity of Sarah Palin”, to her lip service to Romney that “Corporations are People TOO!!. She really stepped in it this time. She is running just as fast as she can back to her cans and refrigerator. I feel sorry for whomever gets the brunt of this one!
Wonderful post!
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craigtamy,
Given her lack of attention I’m sure the cans are flying at the Palin household.
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Great job as usual Malia but I’m not sure that #20 is ‘equally untrue’. Noticed she’s been shootin’ blanks for quite a long time.
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Check out frumforum.com. An article by Brad Schaeffer – “Why I’m Done With Sarah Palin”
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Good column, as usual, but you might want to change either the picture or the caption under the picture of Levi with Kathy Griffin. (You wrote “Gifford”).
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phoebes,
Thanks for letting me know, I’ll change it right now. Malia
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“By going back to Alaska, he could get state funded health care as a result of his Eskimo ancestry.”
I understand that this is a joke and it is funny.
But please don’t perpetuate the ugly myth/popular urban legend that Eskimos and U.S. indigenous First Peoples get free stuff and paychecks for being Native. It’s not true. Never has been.
There’s no state funded health care for anyone except poor people. Unfortunately. I wish there was.
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guest,
I must be mistaken, but I thought there was a story sometime ago that Bristol disclosed in Court papers that Tripp didn’t need health care from Levi because they were getting it as a result of his Eskimo ancestry through the state? Is that incorrect?
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Malia, you’re not mistaken. There is state funded health care for Alaskan Native people and it includes Todd’s children and grandchildren. Here is one link: http://www.anmc.org/ and another
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_Health_Service. These are but a couple links out of hundreds. I don’t know why this guest would consider its an ugly myth or popular urban legend in regards to such a topic as serious as health care.
There was a story about Bristol being seen in Anchorage which is where the majority of care is delivered to Alaskan natives. Considering both she and Tripp are Alaskan natives, they may very well be entitled to free health care despite having insurance through her mother due to age. With this family, it’s much harder to determine which coverage they are using due to benefits Sarah may still hold as ex-governor. It sucks but they are covered on all sides.
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akrnc,
thanks for the help! I thought this was the case, but it was dinner time and I didn’t have time to look it up! Thanks, Malia
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Respectfully. No. There is not “state-funded health care” for Natives. There isn’t now. Never has been. Nor any other services, privileges, entitlements or rights of any kind to Natives.
Why? Because it’s discrimination. Alaska is part of the United States. Government cannot set policy, make laws, or provide programs based on race. Not even hunting rights in a way that would seem reasonable.
Tribal rights are something different altogether and I’m already hijacking the blog so I won’t go there. That’s about the relationship between tribes and the U.S. and state governments, and Indian Country. Tribes, not individuals. That’s the distinction.
The American public – particularly those who have a reservation anywhere in their awareness – OFTEN confuse Alaska’s Permanent Fund Dividend as a cash payment to the state’s indigenous citizens.
Alaska’s indigenous people have had a unique historical management, as compared to American Indian tribes. Partly the remoteness from the U.S. and partly because it was already Russia when the Americans found it.
Eskimos didn’t have the same status as American Indians for quite a long time. They were legal wards of the federal government. Bureau of Indian Affairs “agents” were posted to duty stations in remote Alaska to monitor and administrate their charges.
Long long after reservations were established in the U.S., Alaska was still a territory with an uncertain status to its indigenous peoples. Then it became a state, based on a commonwealth design. And then they had a Native problem.
How did “free” stuff come about for America’s Natives? Treaties. The federal government made treaties with tribes, promising what chiefs, elders and leaders asked for. They knew things would never be the same, that it was inevitable that they would be vanquished, so they gave up an ancestral lifestyle, authority over themselves and land for colonials’ farms in exchange for education and medical care for generations into perpetuity. That’s a fact.
Do you imagine that these clowns in Washington would continue to go along with this all these years, if there weren’t actual real enforceable contract documents with signatures and everything, that the Supreme Court would uphold in court? Why would they? Because they’ve all just been great honorable people doing the noble thing taking care of all these expensive stupid Indians for 200 years?
It was parlay, plain and simple.
This romantic notion that British colonists arrived in American, formed a lovely collaborative organic partnership with the locals, skipping off toward the Great West hand-in-hand, sharing wisdom and picking flowers along the Oregon Trail, is just silly.
Yep yep, Pocahontas saved John Smith and Sacagawea saved Lewis & Clark. And Last of the Mohicans was a great movie.
You do know that Indians killed General Custer? The great Christian general Oliver Otis Howard (founder of Howard University) kicked Indian ass all over the place. In Washington in 1879, Chief Joseph said “If General Howard had given me plenty of time to gather up my stock and treated Too-hool-hool-suit as a man should be treated, there would have been no war.”
Everybody’s heard of the Puget Sound War and Battle of Seattle, right? Governor Isaac Stevens declared a “war of extermination” on Pacific Northwest Indians in 1856. They battled it out against the Marines and U.S. Navy ship Decatur. American heroes Grant and Sherman also distinguished themselves as Indian Fighters. They all did. Occupation, conquering and vanquishing is an ugly business. But you gotta get the country built.
Attorney General Caleb Cushing: “Indians are the subjects of the United States, and therefore are not, in mere right of home-birth, citizens of the United States.” 1856.
Senator Jacob Howard of Michigan: “I am not yet prepared to pass a sweeping act of naturalization by which all the Indian savages, wild or tame, belonging to a tribal relation, are to become my fellow-citizens and go to the polls and vote with me…” (Congressional Globe 1866, 2895).
Wisconsin Senator James Doolittle: “…all those wild Indians to be citizens of the United States, the Great Republic of the world, whose citizenship should be a title as proud as that of king, and whose danger is that you may degrade that citizenship.” and
“there is a large mass of the Indian population who are clearly subject to the jurisdiction of the United States who ought not to be included as citizens of the United States…the word “citizen,” if applied to them, would bring in all the Digger Indians of California.”(Congressional Globe 1866, 2892). [I have no idea what that means.]
The Nationality Act of 1940 tried to define which Indians could qualify as a citizen and vote. Indians and Eskimos serving in World War II could earn the right to vote with an honorable discharge. Through federal law, the 1965 Voting Rights Act put an end to individual states’ claims on whether or not Indians were allowed to vote.
1905 Congress passes the Nelson Act.
SEC. 7. “…schools specified and provided for in this Act shall be devoted to the education of white children and children of mixed blood who lead a civilized life. The education of the Eskimos and Indians in the district of Alaska shall remain under the direction and control of the Secretary of the Interior, and schools for and among the Eskimos and Indians of Alaska shall be provided for by an annual appropriation, and the Eskimo and Indian children of Alaska shall have the same right to be admitted to any Indian boarding school as the Indian children in the States or Territories of the United States. This dual system operates into the 1980s.
1908 Three Native families go to court seeking permission for their children to attend the territorial school in town. The judge determines that the families do not “lead a civilized life”, and does not permit the children to enroll in the territorial school.
1915 The Territorial Legislature passes a law recognizing Native people as Alaska citizens. On the condition that a Native person get endorsements from five white citizens and to have “severed all tribal relationships and adapted the habits of a civilized life”.
1924 Citizenship Act—U.S. Congress
1931 Administration of the schools and health service for Alaska Natives is transferred from the U.S. Bureau of Education to the Bureau of Indian Affairs. BIA creates a special branch called the Alaska Native Service.
1932 The U.S. Government determines Eskimos and Aleuts [Unangan] are “wards of the Nation” and “the natives of Alaska, as referred to in the treaty of March 30, 1867, between the United States and Russia, are entitled to the benefits of and are subject to the general laws and regulations governing the Indians of
the United States”.
1945 Territorial Legislature pass an anti-discrimination law. Up until then, Alaska was segregated and Natives were arrested for disobeying the convention of “White” and “Non-White” designations.
1951 Congress extends to Alaska the provisions of the 1934 Johnson-O’Malley Act. It provides a means of transferring the education of Native children from the federal government to state and local school systems.
1955 The federal government transfers responsibility for Native health care in Alaska from the Bureau of Indian Affairs to the U.S. Public Health Service, Division of Indian Health. Alaska Native Health Board created by Natives.
1960s Community Health Aide Program developed for remote rural villages. Authorized and funded by Congress with 1968 Snyder Act. 600 Community Health Aides/Practitioners provide primary care and emergency medical treatment and triage/medevac in more than 170 rural Alaskan villages. To everyone, regardless of race.
1970 to 1994 Development of Tribal health operations leading to the Alaska Tribal Health Compact, an umbrella agreement for government-to-government relations through the Indian Health Service. Twenty-two tribes and tribal organizations belong to the compact. http://www.hss.state.ak.us/hspc/files/ATHS%20PP.pdf
1997 A new Alaska Native Medical Center replaces the one built in the 1950s in Anchorage. Built and operated by tribes.
Whew. And so we finally arrive at the Palins.
By virtue of being a member of a Federally-Recognized Tribe by birth, Todd qualifies for tribal services from THAT tribe and IHS, not just randomly. Eskimos cannot go down to the Navajo Nation and get “free” medical care.
But here’s two things to consider. First, understand that it’s not free. There’s a bill for service generated, like any other doctor’s office or hospital. Same charges. One uses one’s health insurance plan to pay at the tribal facility. Yep, that’s right. If one doesn’t have insurance, you apply for Medicaid/Medicare if you meet the poverty-level income criteria. If not, it gets billed out to Indian Health Service partnership.
Second, Trig is disabled. He automatically is eligible and screened for medical care and support service programs, state and federal. Ironically, Trig’s care probably IS paid for with state money. Because of congenital birth defect, not because of being Native.
Malia, thanks for allowing me to make explanation. If this is too much, dump it. Won’t hurt my feelings.
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Malia, Here’s the message I’ve left on Jesse Griffin’s blog. Let’s see if he posts it. Will it be considered harmful to his friend Mercede who has told him Sarah’s secret?
Of the few messages on Mercede’s blog that she has allowed through in August, there’s only one of any interest to us. This one:
—————
Mercede…today I found out the name of one of the ladies answering the door at your home during the initial hayday of McCain/Palin Campaign. I had no idea that Kristi Tanner was the other woman..besides Anna Arodzero. I have a quote from the
Alaska Dispatch site: “When we walked up to Johnston’s home, we were met at the front door by a young woman who said her name was Kristi Tanner.
Tanner first told us that she was a friend of the Johnston family. She said she couldn’t comment and referred us to Michelle Toohey, providing an Anchorage phone number. When we asked Tanner for her number, she gave one with a 928 area code. That’s Arizona-home of Sen. McCain.”
Did you know Kristi and were you friends? I ask this question because it appears that the betrayal your family experienced was definitely an inside job….and it is disgusting. I don’t suppose you ever asked Kristi where your pics went?
————
Now keep in mind that Mercede is the one who screens out the messages and for that reason we should be able to safely assume that message was meant to feed us some information. Mercede is bound by an agreement to say nothing more that would be of interest to us so for that reason I suspect that message is written by Mercede herself. That is the only way Mercede can keep up the hope of this work against Palin progressing along. She feeds us information under another name but even if she did’t it’s information that she wants to get out to the bloggers. The information given should be considered carefully, especially by Brad Scharlott.
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Michael – yes, I saw your post at Gryphen’s site. You’ve made good points, but I have a question for you: Since you’re taking the time to spread this information around on various blogs, have you yourself informed Brad Scharlott of it?
His email address: brad.scharlott@gmail.com
If my experience is any indication, an email to Brad will go into a “holding pattern”. He has to use Yahoo’s “Boxbe” as a mail-screening program, because he was receiving ugly emails from the bots. I can almost guarantee he’ll send you a personal email response….he’s totally approachable and always open to new information.
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The rest of it is this: “We asked her why she had an Arizona area code. She told us she goes to college there and is visiting. We asked if she worked for McCain. She said no.”
Kristi Tanner, Buyer Specialist for Kristen Cole’s realty company.
“Kristi joined the Kristan Cole team in 2010. Born and raised in Mat-Su Valley, Alaska is Kristi’s home and she loves to sell it! BS in Criminal Justice and Sociology from Arizona, Kristi started her professional career in criminal law and then found a spirit for real estate sales.”
And a 2003 Miss Teen Alaska USA pageant contestant.
Charming.
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Malia she also quit on Sudan.
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You left out that there wasn’t enough money in SarahPAC left to pay for another day. BTW, Sea of Pea is telling the deluded to start setting aside money for her campaign. Because the million dollars that all of her fans can collectively set aside will not even cover one TV commercial.
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newmexicogold,
If they are smart, and don’t give the money, Palin will then blame them for not financing her campaign.
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There you go, Malia. No longer The Quitter, but The Aborter.
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CouginPortland,
Or…both a quitter and an aborter!
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Malia –
Politicususa has posted an article about Perry and his connection to the porn industry.
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Pat,
Can’t wait to see it! Thanks for letting me know. Malia
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So the “traveling circus” is returning to Alaska? Too bad – it should detour to Arizona and stay there!
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The Kansas City news reported they interviewed the personnel at the World War I museum where Palin said she visited yesterday and they reported they did not see her. They said she might have walked around the outside of the museum but they did not see her in the museum. She even aborted the museum visit.
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HA HA HA HA HA! Malia, you really outdid yourself on this one. Very clever, and I can’t remember when I ever laughed so hard! Your post is one for the ages, and I have a feeling you’ll come up with many more as we (hopefully) watch Sarah slowly slink away into oblivion.
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Heidi3,
If Palin doesn’t run, I may have to devote some articles like this one to Michele Bachmann. She deserves some of my satire too! Thanks for laughing with me!
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great post! and oh, BTW… if there’s really any question about that so called jury duty… Gryphen checked, and there were no jurors called in AK in that time frame… so she was definitely lying about that also too…
the perpetual mendacity of SP, her purse schlepper, family and teabaggin, knuckle draggin groupies is beyond the pale.
hopefully the nation will soon be relieved of the daily onslaught of the Palins and their bots in the news.
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RF,
I hope so too, but I still think she is going to run.
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