Todd Palin Announces New Book: “Not Afraid of Sarah: My Journey So Far”

The following is fiction and intended for entertainment only.

 

In the tradition of the Palin family, Todd Palin has announced he is writing a new book. His book, “Not Afraid of Sarah: My Journey So Far, is still in the manuscript stage. Todd continues to search for a publisher. He remains hopeful that he will find one. Mr. Palin started his search for a publisher by approaching Harper Collins, the publisher Sarah has used through both of her ghost writers, and William Morrow, the publisher Bristol used. Each responded by reporting back to Todd that he was “out of luck.” Harper Collins declined the project as they too were afraid of Sarah Palin. They also indicated timing of the release of this book was less than ideal, as Palin supporters would likely be financially impaired from purchasing multiple tickets to the Undefeated. William Morrow declined the project with a brief letter of rejection explaining that they had lost enough money on Bristol’s book, and they were unwilling to hire any more babysitters.

The manuscript has not been categorized yet. The top considerations are a memoir and a horror/suspense thriller. The opening chapter is the retelling of the story of Todd’s first encounter with Sarah Heath. The setting is a camping trip in Alaska, where Todd learned why Sarah was nicknamed “Barracuda.” Because Sarah’s moral code was violated that night when Todd reportedly stole her virginity, she determined that she might as well take advantage of her broken moral compass by visiting each tent at the camp site.   Todd provides a compelling account of his horror as he stood watch outside each tent that exhausting night, while smiling and saying nothing.

The horror continues as Todd describes the revelation that Sarah was pregnant and she had chosen Todd to name as the father. The manuscript captures the horror and tragic events that followed and which surrounded the Court House wedding. From not having rings, to forgetting that witnesses were needed, Todd and Sarah were completely unprepared for the challenges of the wedding and marriage. In a graphic passage of foreshadowing, Todd was instructed by Sarah that it was his responsibility to handle the details of locating and transporting the elderly people from the local nursing home to serve as witnesses, while Sarah arranged with Taco Bell to handle the food for the celebration to follow.

 

On the wedding night Todd describes his shock as he was presented with Sarah’s panties to wash and he was instructed that this would be his job henceforth, until he could find someone else who was willing to take on this task without compensation.

Survival for Todd depended upon his tenacity and resilience as he learned to be unafraid of Sarah. When she threw cans he learned to throw them back. When she became catatonic, he learned that this was the best time to seek the companionship of others. When she sent e-mails that were particularly revealing of her mental dysfunction, Todd learned to delete all reference to them. When Sarah pretended to be pregnant, Todd learned to pretend too. When Sarah pretended to care about Todd, he learned to pretend that he cared about her too. Todd shares his insights into the characteristics that make a particularly effective ear plug.  He shares his technique for maintaining a stoic appearance as Sarah was saying something that would make a less experience husband cringe.

 

The concluding chapter of the manuscript reveals Todd’s plan for financial independence from Sarah which is essential to his future freedom from total domination by the Empress.

The Anchorage Police Department has agreed to send out monthly press releases advertising his services which do not include fishing and snowmobile rides. Rumors are also circulating in the tabloids that TLC is negotiating with the First Dude for a new “reality show” to be known as Breaking Away. Stephen K. Bannon has reportedly applied for a tax credit from the State of Alaska. If granted, Mr. Bannon reports that he is planning a documentary film on Todd Palin, the Grizzly Bear whisperer.