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In the spirit of Rush Limbaugh, who can make reference to liberals as “f’ing retards”, with little or no apology, I submit this e-mail. In effort to appeal to the “common sense” of everyone who might read this e-mail, please understand that I wrote this e-mail, it is completely fabricated and untrue.  Even though some politicians seem to take pride in telling untruths, I am not a politician, and thus desire full disclosure.    I am being deliberately sarcastic and irreverent. Todd never wrote this e-mail to Sarah.  It is a figment of my imagination. I am only imagining what Todd might say to Sarah, if they ever communicated. Since I am not sure if Sarah reads anything, I feel fairly secure that I will not offend her.  In conclusion, if you are one of the few Palin supporters who do read, STOP NOW! DO NOT READ FURTHER!

Dear Sarah:

It’s been a long time since you were home, so I thought I would send you an update on what’s going on around here.

That damn tax office continues to send me bills for property tax on the two cabins in the woods.  Should I continue to send the notices to Sean, or is there someone in the Governor’s office that wouldn’t be so high-profile who might take care of this problem?

The snow-mobile team has had some unexpected expenses, so we could use another sponsor.  Do you think you could do just one more commercial for the team?

I just heard that NPR is reporting that you have made $12,000,000.00 since quitting your position as Governor. F’ing A!!  Way to go Sarah!  I am so proud that I would like to find an appropriate way to express my appreciation.  In honor of your accomplishment, I have ordered a pink snowmobile for you, complete with your name engraved on the handlebars and a fur seat to keep you warm.  Who would have though that someone like me with just a high school diploma and you with the limited education could have made so much money?  The economy sure hasn’t been bad for us!

The lawyer in Diana’s burglary case got an agreement to postpone the sentencing part of the trial, but because burglary is a felony, she might be in the pen a long time, so make as much as you can as fast as you can.

Honey, I know you quit being the Governor when your approval ratings had dropped to an all time low of  54%.  Now I know it’s probably not true because your hair looked so good last week at the rally, but if you can believe anything the Washington Post reports, it seems the majority of the people around the entire country don’t like you any more.  Some  41% of people surveyed STRONGLY disapprove of you.  I think they are just ugly, jealous, idiots.

You were right to do the bowling convention in Las Vegas, because they will pay your fee, and I am worried it will be harder and harder to find people to pay you, especially when they know how much you have made in the last few months. Maybe while you are in Vegas,  you might get a list of conventions to be held there, so we can contact the organizers.  For some reason, they seem to like you in Las Vegas.

Oh, Pastor Muthee says that the reason you lost the election was that you didn’t pray hard enough.  I think he assumed, like so many others, that you cared about the people of Alaska.  Now he has seen the light, but he warned me that you should be careful of witches at this time of the year.  They tend to come out in the warm weather.  I know you have been on the road a lot so you couldn’t get to church, but maybe you could just write a letter to yourself in God’s voice, and tell yourself what God would want you to know.

I miss Levi’s cooking and this “stay-at-home dad” thing I agreed to during the campaign, is getting old.  How do you expect me to keep up that image when I am never at home?

Trig rode his tricycle on the Road to Nowhere yesterday, so if anyone says that this road was a total waste of taxpayer money, tell them they are wrong. Trig loved it! Although, I forgot to put a coat or hat on him and he got sick. You have been gone so long that when Trig woke up during the night with an ear infection, he called Bristol “mom”.

Speaking of Bristol, she is still without a boyfriend, so we can stick to the story that she is still a born again virgin, but  Alaska is experiencing double digit increase in teen birth rates. I was thinking you or Bristol might be prime candidates to do commercials for home pregnancy test kits.

Piper’s teacher is still saying that Piper is going to be held back a year in school because of all the school she has missed.  I reminded her you were the Governor, and she reminded me that you resigned.

I took Willow hunting in ANWR, and we killed all the caribou we could find, so hopefully there will no longer be anything for those tree huggers to complain about.  Besides who ever heard of a “refuge” for wild animals?

About caribou, I know you gave out teriyaki caribou jerky in New Orleans to all your friends, so if your supply is running low, don’t worry our curing shed is so full that we don’t have room for even one more carcass.

I can’t wait for you to get home. Your tanning bed looks so lonely without you. I even got you a welcome home present. I was at Wal-Mart the other day and their visors were on sale. I thought of you.  I am glad you are cost conscious, but you really don’t have to wear the one with John’s name marked out anymore.  I got you three; one that was green, one was purple, and the other had baby polar bears in the ocean with no place to climb out.

One last thing, I know you will be in Dallas the end of the month, so you might look up Malia Litman while you are there.  She wrote a book about you, so I know the two of you might enjoy hunting together, I think they do that a lot in Texas.  I bet you could show Malia how to field dress a cow.
Love,

The Stay-At-Home-Dad-First-Dude-Bristol-Bay-Fisherman-North-Slope–Worker-Iron Dog-Champion- Father –to-most-of-your-children,     Todd

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