First Wives Club

I hate exercise!  Other people report the rush of adrenaline and the release of endorphins when they exercise.  The only ‘rush” I feel is the eruption of pain coursing through the affected portion of my body.  The only “release” I feel is the sensation I experience when exiting the weight room.  What I love is the time I share with Rosy.  We share laughter, tears and pain.  The work-out is a gift we give to ourselves, to our bodies and our spirits.  While keeping our bodies as physically strong as our ages might allow, the work-outs keep our spirits youthful and robust.  We share the mundane parts of our lives, like dealing with repairmen.  We share the sickness and terminal illness of a friend or parent.  We share stories about our kids, which inevitably include frustration, joy, embarrassment, pride, humiliation, failure, disappointment, success and elation. Rosy and I share a common experience of having 15 year old daughters who both love sports.  Rosy and I are members of the “First Wives Club”.

The First Wives Club is a group of eight women, made up of Kathy our trainer, and seven other women who each subject themselves to torture by Kathy at least once per week, and often more frequently.  Kathy is the trainer for many other women, but this group of women seemed drawn together.

Our first gathering occurred about five years ago which that night evolved into the First Wives Club. From the first time we gathered we found there was a bond that was much more unifying than exercise.  The group included women of diverse religious orientations, including Jewish, Catholic, Methodist and Presbyterian.  We were of diverse ages, ranging from late 30’s to mid fifties.  We each had children, but the kids ranged in age from college age kids to pre-schoolers.  The number of kids in each of our families varied from two to five.  We are of diverse racial backgrounds.  Some of us were pursuing careers as medical doctors, and concert violinists and others were stay-at-home mothers.   We would each be categorized as upper middle class, but within the group the range of financial security was vast.

About three times each year we gather to laugh, to cry and to update each other on major events in our lives.  Because each of our lives are packed full with commitments, three times each year is the most time we seem to be able to steel away from our children, husbands, professional commitments, volunteer obligations and the mundane chores of our households.  After meeting for about three years we decided we needed a name for our group.  In the process of choosing a name, we began to carefully analyze what it was that bound us together.  The obvious commonality was our work-outs with Kathy.  Yet, many other women worked out with Kathy, and they were not part of our group.    Some of us actually enjoyed the exercise, and others of us, like me, hated exercise.  Finally, we came to the realization that we were all first-wives.

The fact that none of us had been divorced, and we were all happy in our marriages, was unique.  Having realized that it was quite unusual for each of us to be married to our first-husbands, and still happy in our marriages, we began to attempt to identify those characteristics that had fostered healthy marriages for up to 27 years.  We have all read articles and books written by purported authorities on the challenges facing women today.  However none of us found any author who seemed to understand what we each knew.  There was no magic equation to guide us to ensure success of our marriages or that would guarantee happiness.  Each of us had faced the challenges of balancing professions and children and each of us had found a different solutions.  As we sat around the table with smiles on our faces, we were each happy with our lives and our husbands and our friends.  Our conclusions were fairly simple.

1. Education.  All eight of us have college degrees.  While none of us have the same undergraduate degree, and some have advanced degrees, including a medical doctor and a lawyer, we each graduated from college before marrying.  Each of us had married a man who also had attained a college degree.  While many college graduates have unhappy marriages, education is probably the single most important characteristic of a woman who will be happy in her marriage.

Education gave each of us independence, confidence, self-sufficiency and knowledge.  The attainment of a college degree is not just about what we learned in the college classroom.  Our course of study varied widely, including philosophy, human anatomy, political science and broadcast journalism.  It was the entire experience of attending college that fostered independence, self-sufficiency and a wealth of knowledge attained from a wide variety of people.  College necessarily mandated the expansion of our world view from the myopic focus of high school.

While nursing was my field of study as an undergraduate, my real education came in the experiences I experienced outside the classroom.  Nursing taught me techniques for healing the sick.  College taught me techniques for healing the soul.  Law school helped me acquire skills in sifting out persuasive arguments from those which lacked credibility.  The additional three years in graduate school helped me acquire skills in identifying men who were overly impressed with themselves from those who had an appreciation for the attributes of others.  Education for me and the other members of the First Wives club bestowed immeasurable benefits.  Nothing in our lives could substitute for a college education…inside or outside of the classroom.

2. Independence.  Whether through professional accomplishment, moving out of our parents’ homes, living on our own and/or becoming financially self-sufficient, independence is a gift each of the First Wives gave to ourselves. Independence is a characteristic that allows women today to become self-sufficient and resilient.  Independence means to be self-sufficient both financially and emotionally.  The best observation I ever made was the realization that I would rather be by myself than to be with a man who didn’t really love me.  A prerequisite to this revelation was attainment of a sense of independence.  Having once achieved independence, we limit the probability that we will ever feel dependent again.  As children we are necessarily dependent upon our parents, for both financial and emotional support.

I gained financial independence when I graduated from law school. I became emotionally independent the day of my son’s bris, when my mother told me through tears that she feared I was going to hell for raising my son Jewish.  As men gain financial independence from their parents it seems there is less emotional dependence, and thus less emotional separation that must occur.  Maybe that is why women tend to locate closer to home than men.

An uneducated woman has dramatically fewer options to gain financial independence from parents or men.  Working as a cashier, a waitress or secretary, women typically earn less than an equally uneducated man.  Men are often able to rely upon the perception of physical strength or intellectual superiority to find their way into better paying jobs.  Uneducated women find it difficult, and sometimes impossible, to attain financial independence.  Moreover, there seems to be a connection between financial independence and emotional independence.  It appears that there is an increased tendency toward emotional independence once financial independence is achieved. Education is not essential to financial or emotional independence, but education dramatically increases a woman’s opportunities for financial and emotional independence.

Each of the First Wives is an independent woman.  While some of us may rely upon the income generated by our husband we are nevertheless independent.  Each of us became independent before relying upon our husbands for financial or emotional support.  Having achieved independence, each of us has the self-confidence to know that we could take care of ourselves and our children if the need should ever arise.  That sense of independence prevents us from being used or abused, and allows us to feel appreciative, instead of obligated, to our husbands for any financial or emotional support they provide.

This independence for the First Wives would not be obvious to the casual observer.  Some of us rely upon our husbands for financial support.  We all know women who work outside the home but are totally dominated and controlled by their husbands.  The critical consideration is whether we attained independence.  Having achieved independence, compromising with our spouse for the benefit of the family doesn’t make us dependent, but facilitates healthy relationships between spouses, and parents with their children.

3. Respect. Education and independence are both likely to result in respect from a spouse or partner.  Respect is an essential ingredient to happiness for any woman.  We must respect ourselves and we must demand respect from our spouses or partners.  If we lack respect for ourselves, we allow ourselves to be abused and mistreated.  If a man or partner lacks respect for a woman, the relationship will surely deteriorate.

Kids perceive respect or lack thereof, so it is natural that we teach by our example.  If we demand respect from our spouse, it doesn’t matter if we are stay at home moms, or the President of the United States.  The example we set for our children in our own homes is the most dramatic and permanent image our children will ever obtain of an acceptable and “normal” relationship between a man and a woman.  If we allow a man to disrespect us, we teach our kids, boys and girls, that it is acceptable for men to treat women badly.

Respect is also required to be given by a woman to the spouse or partner.  I have only known a few women who were professionals and whose spouse or partner was a stay-at-home dad or partner.  In each case the woman made more money in her job than her spouse, so it made logical sense that the man should stay at home with the kids if one adult was going to stay at home.  However, in each case the woman seemed to feel she had to explain why her husband was staying at home with the kids.  In each case I perceived that the woman did not respect her husband as her equal and I predicted that the couple would not make it to the twenty year mark.

It isn’t surprising that each of the husbands of the women in the First Wives Club respects his wife and the other women in the Club.  Our husbands have actually wanted to be our chauffeurs on our outings, because they enjoy all of the women in the group, and perhaps they are a little curious about the subject of our conversations.  Each of the women in the First Wives Club has a husband who is a friend to all the rest of us.  As each husband became familiar with the women in the “Club”, the husbands recognized in each of us what they recognized in their wives…strong, educated, independent women, who each made their husbands and children a priority.

4. Adaptability.  When we were young women each member of the First Wives Club had a plan about what our lives would hold, what our goals were, and “what we wanted to be when we grew up”.  Each of us deviated from those goals at least to some extent.  We learned that if we were unhappy, we had to have the courage to make a change.  This is true whether you are unhappy in a job, a profession, or your role as a mother and wife.

If you are unhappy, your husband and children will also be unhappy.  Try as hard as we might, women aren’t very good at pretending to be happy with our husbands and children, if in fact we are not.  They see us at our best, and our worst, so if we are unhappy, they know.  If you are unhappy with trying to balance a profession and kids, don’t be afraid of opting out of your profession for while.  If you are staying at home with the kids and unhappy, your devotion to the kids won’t help them.  They would be better served by a mother who was home half of the time, but happy while she was with them.  If you are unhappy in your marriage, and would like to take a golf club to your husband, don’t wait until you are so angry with your husband that you actually hit him with the club.  As hard as we try it’s hard to explain to the kids why mommy hit daddy in the head with his golf club.

Just when you think you have the day planned out the phone rings, and your child has pushed a bean up his nose.   Your plans for that day had not included a trip to the Emergency Room, waiting with a multitude of people bleeding, coughing, crying, and groaning.  While you might like to cry and groan with them, and while you might be mad at your child for being foolish enough to push a bean into his nose, the truth is that your child needs his mom to be understanding and supportive at that moment.  Whether its foreign objects lodged in bodily orifices, or vomit on your favorite business suit, adapting to the situation is the mark of an experienced woman.

Each of the women in the First Wives Club can relay stories of unexpected surprises that challenged each of us to adapt to the situation.  Life, marriage, children, and professions are unpredictable.  Character is not made by dealing with anticipated events.  Character is formed by that courage we exhibit in dealing with the surprises that each day brings.

5. Enriching Lives.  The sign that hangs over my computer serves as a constant reminder:

“Here’s to Good Women,

May we know them;

May we be them;

May we raise them.”

This simple message conveys the sentiments of the First Wives Club.  We are good women, and we are each committed to raising good children.  The joy each of us finds in the day is different, and the same.  On any given day one of us, or each of us, might enrich the life of someone in our family, of a fellow professional, of another mother, or of each other.  One of us may bring happiness to another by helping her stay physically fit.  Another woman may enrich the life of a friend by sending a thoughtful note, baking a cake, sharing a smile, giving a hug, working for a charity, or caring for a sick family member.  One of us may take an active role in a political campaign, and another may volunteer to drive our kids to a party.  We might each plan vacations for our families, and on any given day help with homework or solve a personal crisis.  We might stand and cheer while one of us walks in the Race for a Cure, or we might remember a birthday with a funny card.  One of us might save a life during surgery, and another might rescue a dog that escaped from someone’s back yard.  So when we toast to ourselves, we celebrate the fact that we are good women, we are good friends to each other, and we are each committed to raising good women.