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We have heard the list of Julie Andrews’ favorite things.
Whether due to lack of transparency or simply due to lack of interest, most people have not seen the list of Christine O’Donnell’s favorite things.
Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Christine’s favorite commercial…I’m Not a Witch.
2. Christine’s favorite person for President...Mitt Romney.
3. Christine’s favorite anti-chaffing remedy… Anti Monkey Butt.
4. Christine’s favorite ice cream…Golden Gaytime.
5. Christine’s favorite potatoe chips…Megapussi from Finland.
6. Christine’s favorite beer…Vergina Beer.
7. Christine’s favorite soft drink…Pee Cola.
8. Christine’s favorite cauldron cleaner…Squeaky Clean Cauldron Cleaner.
9. Christine’s favorite toilet paper…Sit & Smile.
10. Christine’s favorite tropical strength insect repellent…Whack Off.
The following is fantasy. Sarah Palin never invited Christine O’Donnell to a Halloween Party, Piper makes cupcakes but not Halloween ones, and Sarah hasn’t been home long enough to plan a party.
From: rogue.com
To: imnotawitch.com
Re: Halloween Party
Dear Christine,
I wanted to refudiate any bad feelings about the Iowa invites and un-invites. Please come to my Halloween party. The date, time, and location are yet to be discovered by the media, but I’ll let you know at least 20 minutes before the event. The lamestream media has reported that I’m sending you this invitation to make fun of you because you’re a witch.
However this is a costume party, so don’t come as yourself.
Love, Sarah
*********************************************************************
From: imnotawitch.com
To: rogue.com
Re: RSVP
I’ll be there. I’ll come as a Senator.
********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
From: rogue.com
To: imnotawitch.com
RE: Un-invitation
Forget it! You can’t come. We already have Sharon Angle coming as that. Here are the people who have rsvp’d as of right now.
Vaughn Ward is coming as Barack Obama.
Todd is coming as a business man. His first idea was to dress like his old partner,but he thought I might get confused.
He thought this costume would be more recognizable.
Most people are expecting Bristol to come as a monkey, since she already has the costume.
But Bristol wanted a new image. She is coming as a virgin if the costume comes in time.
If that costume doesn’t arrive she will just use her old camper outfit.
Glen Beck is coming as a mummy, but he has to stay outside since he lost his job.
I haven’t decided yet on my costume, but it’s between a hunter, a mother, a member of the Shriners,
or the president,
Or maybe just God, delivering a letter.
Oh, I almost forgot all my North Korean friends are coming as dancers from South Korea.
**********************************************************************************************************************************
From: imnowitch
To: rogue.com
Re: Refreshments
Sarah,
If I can come I’ll bring my special Halloween cake.
*****************************************************************************************************************************************************
From: rogue.com
To: imnowitch
Re: Refreshments
Dear Troublemaker,
Piper has refreshments covered. She is making her cupcakes remembering the Muslim cab driver in New York,
and our squirmishes in Libya.
You can come however if you bring the booze.
****************************************************************************************************************
From: imnowitch
To: rogue.com
Re: Beverages
I’ll bring tea. Todd has the beer covered.
*****************************************************************************************************************
From: rogue.com
To: imnowitch
Re: Un-invitation
You can’t come. You will just cause people to remember what a fool I am, and that would ruin the fun of guessing my real identity.
Remember that “family-oriented” show described in America by Heart, Dancing with the Stars? Remember the family values displayed by Bristol Palin in DWTS?
It now appears Christine O’Donnell is considering an offer to Dance. The only real question is whether she will have a partner or will she simply accompany her broom stick?
I missed this Sat. night, but given the post today, thought you might enjoy laughing with me. Malia
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/26/christine-odonnell-snl_n_739503.html
B.S.
1140 Parks Hwy.
Wasilla Alaska 99654
Christine O’Donnell
PO Box 3987
Wilmington, DE 19807
Sept 27, 2010
Dearest Christine:
I know that jerk, Karl Rove, has been downright “mean spirited” in his comments about you. I’ve been in politics the business of making money just a little longer than you, so I thought I’d pass on a few pearls of wisdom.
- I know you are running for a position as Senator from Delaware. Did you know that the term for a Senator is six years? I thought four years was a long time, but six years is a life-time. My advice to you is to quit after your first session of Congress. That way people will call you “Senator” for the rest of your life, you will get a stamp in your passport for Washington D.C., and if you play your cards right, and lose a little weight, you could become a commentator on Fox News.
- You and I share similar views of sex. You want to “stop the whole country from having sex.” I just want my kids to stop having it in my house.
- I agree with you that mastur*ation is a form of adultery. Normally I don’t agree with use of the morning after pill, but this is one exception I am willing to make.
- I, like you, have been telling people that distributing condoms is “just going to further the spread of AIDS.” I, like you, have had difficulty convincing people of that position. Perhaps we are attempting to appeal to the wrong audience. We might try appealing to those tree-huggers, and explain that condoms hurt the environment. They are made of rubber, rubber comes from trees, and if we put an end to use of condoms, it would save trees!
- A lot of people have criticized your suggestion that scientists are cross-breeding humans and animals to come up with mice that have fully functioning human brains. I don’t understand! Where are the animal rights advocates when WE need them? It would be cruel to give any animal a human brain without the physical ability to do the things humans love to do …like shooting guns, smoking pot, and having sex with other humans. Moreover I thought bestiality was already against the law. I do have one question. I dropped out of my high school physics and biology classes, so maybe the next time I see you we could talk about how mice and humans do the “deed.” Piper has a pet mouse so you could take its picture for the advertisement you are using for your “abstinence only” campaign. One question…do mice have AIDS? Maybe this is where the disease started?
- Everyone seems to be giving you grief about your statement regarding the lack of proof for evolution. When you said you had never seen a monkey evolve into a human, people laughed. I am so sorry. You know intuitively what many scientists spend years studying. If that lame-stream media would consult an expert, they would tell them the same thing. I bet Jane Goodall never saw a monkey evolve, and she spent years studying monkeys. If anyone would have witnessed evolution, Jane would be the one.
- I know that you have said that the proper role of a woman is to “submit” to her husband. This is one that I am still working on. Maybe if I were single like you I would be better able to buy into this principal. Todd just aggravates me so much sometimes I just have to tell him “Fu*k you.” I am working on this and it helps that I get a break from him at night.
- When you said that women don’t enjoy sex, you are able to say this based on your expertise. You are a living example of a woman who sought an enjoyable sexual experience in college, so you have first-hand knowledge of what you are talking about…unlike some people I know. If it had been enjoyable then, you would never have given it up?! Right? Besides I know you want to “see Christ” in your future husband, and it would be wrong on so many levels to be desirous of sex with Christ.
- Thank you for your compliment that I am the “epitome of a modern woman”. If more women abandoned their children and threw some cans at their husbands, the world would be a safer place. Only modern women drink from bendable straws and use tanning beds. You might follow my lead, and have a Diet DP, through a bendable straw, while tanning in your own private tanning bed.
- What is the whole controversy about witchcraft? Just because you are a witch doesn’t mean you are a bad witch. Remember Glenda in the Wizard of Oz? I hear that there is a book called Harry Potter, and people tell me there are lots of nice witches in that story.
- Keep saying the name of Ronald Reagan and maybe he will endorse you. I am still working on getting his endorsement.
- I know God speaks to you and he speaks to me too! After your resignation, let’s collaborate on a new book, “God’s Memoirs.”
Gotta go for now, I have a conference call with the Holy Spirit so I can’t keep him waiting. Charlie Brown once said:
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night’.” I just don’t have time today to share all my pearls of wisdom with you, but there will be more to come.
Your friend, the “epitome of a modern woman”,
Beautiful Sarah
(for source of quotes for O’Donnell-http://thinkprogress.org/christine-odonnell-record)
Jon Stewart on Rove and O’Donnell
Restoring Honor Rally
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-september-16-2010/rally-to-restore-sanity
Taiwanese video re Palin, O’Donnell
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/18/christine-odonnell-cgi_n_721984.htm
Rove Interview re “nutty” O’Donnell
http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/david/rove-odonnell-should-explain-dabbling-witchc
Bill Maher video re witchcraft
http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2010/09/19/ap-bashes-christine-odonnell-bill-mahers-witchcraft-video-clip
Glen Beck and I did a rally recently in D.C. which was a great money maker for us. It was called the “Restoring Honor Rally.” http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/08/28/AR2010082801106.html. We didn’t have to say anything substantive, and we relied upon others to speak most of the time. I know you have gotten a lot of attention in the press recently. Let’s turn that negative press into something profitable! Let’s refudiate the notion that masturbation is not the solution to the country’s difficulties. Let’s have our own Masturbation Rally! I hear there was already at least one Masturbation Rally that was very successful, and there weren’t even any celebrities there. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/delaware-masturbators-mar_b_720725.html; http://www.borowitzreport.com/. We could use their business model, but make it even better. Think of the money we could make if you and I were willing to have our names associated with masturbation. I have already determined that when I put into the computer “masturbation” your name comes up a lot. Surely there is no one in the country that has become more associated with masturbation than you! I think you qualify as a masturbation-celebrity. Now when I do a speech and ask the crowd “Do you love your freedom?” some people laugh??!!
I am open to any ideas you might have for the rally, but here are a few I jotted down during my conversation with the Holy Spirit. www.kansascity.com/…/palin-puts-personal-spin-on-abortion.html. I may not have heard everything he was saying since he was whispering, but I think you’ll get the idea.
1. I know you said that masturbation was a “form of adultery” and that the Bible says that “lust in your heart is committing adultery.” Huffington Post 9-10 My suggestion for a change is to say that you have become a “Born Again Masturbator.” The name “Born Again” worked so well for Bristol that she is now Dancing with the Stars. Think of the money you could make if you get elected as Senator from Delaware, quit your job, and give lectures around the country about how to become a “Born Again Masturbator”. Besides, you are not married and we wouldn’t want anyone to think you were a “deviant,” to use your words. Hannity & Colmes,6-26-00. Finally, I’d like to have a table at the rally to sell my new book. In honor of the event, I have even changed the title to “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith, Flag, and Frottage”. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/frottage
2. One point of clarification. I know you haven’t had any kids, so you may not realize, but we can’t stop the “whole country from having sex” Scarborough Country, 11-13-03. Sex is a necessary evil if we are going to have people to pay for our Social Security and serve in the military 20 years from now. Let’s just say that we need to stop people of color from having sex, unless we impose the mandation that their children are required to serve in the military.
3. I know you haven’t been married, but let me explain something else. If a spouse cheats on their partner, it may compromise the purity of the cheating member of the marriage, but it has no effect on the purity of the non-cheating member. TPM, 9-7-10. I think you are confusing the two terms, purity and retribution. “Purity” is defined a “freedom from sin or guilt.” http://www.thefreedictionary.com/purity. Tiger Woods is an example of someone who had sexual intercourse with 120 women while married to Elin. http://www.celebuzz.com/buzzings-tiger-woods-cheated-elin-s195891/.. He was not “pure” as he was not free from sin or guilt. “Retribution” is defined as “something justly deserved; punishment.” http://www.thefreedictionary.com/retribution. Most Americans would agree that Elin was entitled to “retribution.” She was pure before, but her level of purity was actually enhanced after inflicting facial lacerations. http://www.tmz.com/2009/11/28/tiger-woods-elin-nordegren-fight-accident-suv-lacerations. We might ask Tiger to speak at the rally and explain how masturbation has changed his life. He is such a good example of how masturbation could improve your career, your marriage, and your financial security. No longer would Tiger be limited in the type of companies he could endorse to Viagra a Cialis. He would be able to relate to the “common man” if he declared himself to be “Born Again.” His public image would be saved. I bet we wouldn’t even have to pay him to come. You betcha!
4. You previously said that “abstinence only education has been an “incredible success”.” I am a big believer in lying but we should change the statement to “abstinence only education is part of God’s plan.” There are studies that Congress ordered which reported that these type of classes are a waste of money. This study showed that the median age for a first sexual encounter is 14.9 years. (Mathematica Policy Research Inc.) http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/216628/new_study_proves_abstinence_only_education.html?cat=5. Some people might find it offensive that we spend $176 million per year for the “abstinence only” education which we know doesn’t work. Ibid. Maybe we should make a new proposal. Let’s start a “Masturbation Only” program. We could reduce the national debt. It would certainly be more effective than an abstinence only program, and we could probably get volunteers to teach it!
5. I always like to include members of the military in my programs and speeches. I bet we could get some American heroes to appear and witness for the importance of masturbation while overseas, serving our country.
6. Glen Beck is my friend, and I can usually get him to appear without paying him. If he came we could likely get Fox “News” to cover the rally, and thus get national media coverage. Beck would be the perfect person to dispel the myth that masturbation has disadvantages. The cause of Glenn Beck’s blindness is not masturbation.www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20010976-10391704.html.
7. Let’s talk condoms. I know you have said (a) condoms are like legalizing drunk driving, (b) they further the spread of AIDS, and that (c) they don’t prevent sexually transmitted diseases. Hannity & Colmes, 6-6-00; Donahue, 8-27-02; Hannity & Colmes, 12-17-99. Masturbation is the solution to all of these social ills. (a) People who drink heavily are often those who don’t masturbate enough. (b) If you masturbate, rather than having sex, you would not be exposed to AIDS or sexually transmitted diseases. Thus masturbation is the potential solution to drunk driving, AIDS, and sexually transmitted diseases. Further there is no financial cost to masturbating. Because so many Americans are facing financial challenges now, this might be the solution to their woes. The cost savings represented by what would have been spent on condoms could be as much as $100.00 per year. Over a lifetime, the cost savings of using masturbation instead of having sex and buying condoms, could fund retirement for many Americans. Our motto could be “Just say NO to condoms.”
8. During the 2008 campaign Organizing for America was very effective in using meetings in private homes, community centers, coffee shops to discuss issues and plan outreach. We could use the same model to generate interest and enthusiasm around the country for the rally. Just imagine the impact of people around the country masturbating in their homes, community centers and coffee shops. We could ensure our place in American history as the Mothers of the Masturbation Revolution.
9. We need to focus on profitability. I am all about job-creation and returning power to the private sector. Let’s incorporate and start a franchise business. We could call our stores “Masturbators-R-Us” and provide a one-stop-shop for any and all masturbation supplies one might need. For the Grand Opening, we could get Tiger to come to promote his new book, “Masturbators Anonymous.”
10. One final idea…Many people would pay a lot of money to see the mouse you have with the human brain. O’Reilly Factor, 10-16-07. What if we construct a viewing area at the rally, and charge admission, to see the Curious Case of Benjamin the Mouse? Most mice aren’t smart enough to figure out how to masturbate, especially with their short little paws. Because Benjamin has a human brain, he would, no doubt, be able to figure out a way.
I’m anxious to get your input. Call me when you’re not tied up. B.S.
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