Yesterday I was at my local Kroger’s buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think…I had an elephant?
So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
11 comments
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January 28, 2013 at 9:10 pm
Shawn's MOM
Malia,
That made the perfect end to a long day! Way too funny.
It also gave me a thought. Maybe this was Sarah’s weight loss program. What a better way to take care of the “munchies” and lose weight all at the same time.
January 29, 2013 at 9:09 am
malialitman
Shawn’s Mom,
I think Sarah shot her dog, so she didn’t have any dog chow around.
January 28, 2013 at 11:33 pm
B.W.
Malia — Did you see this article in which a Pol. Sc. professor counted Palin’s words on Fox and was able to calculate that each word cost Fox $15.85? http://blog.lib.umn.edu/cspg/smartpolitics/2013/01/the_price_of_palin_15_per_word.php
…To which a wit on HuffPo posted the following: “But that figure doubles when she uses words with 3 or more syllables. e.g., ‘youbetchya’ is worth 4 teabonics syllables for a total of $63.40.”
January 29, 2013 at 9:07 am
malialitman
BW,
I saw that and may still do an aRticle about it, but the really amazing thing to me is that all they got for their $15.85 per word is a word-salad!
January 29, 2013 at 1:54 am
MrsGunka
That’s one of my favorites. Retirement can be entertaining.
January 29, 2013 at 2:03 am
Tina Boquet
I usually just read your blog but I have to write to thank you for making me laugh. I needed it.
Tante
January 29, 2013 at 9:04 am
malialitman
Tina,
I post these funnies almost every night, as much for myself, as readers. If we spend too much time reading and writing about politics in America, we all need a good laugh, every day!
January 29, 2013 at 2:06 am
Sunnyjane
That’s one of the funniest stories I’ve ever read, Malia! Thanks…I’ll chuckle about it all day. (I’m retired and have TWO dogs!)
January 29, 2013 at 9:00 am
malialitman
Sunnyjane,
Glad you laughed with me! I laughed too, every time I thought about the faces of the people in line! My daughter once told somebody at school, when asked how her vacation was, that it was fine except for one small problem with her uncle. she explained that her uncle had one of his toes chopped off, but fortunately the doctors had a new treatment that involved placing star fishes on the affected area, which helped the toe grow back (star fishes can re-grow one of their appendages if it should be cut off). I’ve laughed about that one for years!
January 29, 2013 at 7:14 am
aj weishar
And as Bill Engvall would say, Here’s your sign.
January 29, 2013 at 8:59 am
malialitman
aj,
that routine is one of my all-time favorite!!!