Sarah Palin has just announced to People Magazine that she is “fine as is” and is in fact working with her family on a “new fitness book.” Whew! What a relief to hear Sarah is “fine”. Some people were concerned that drugs, alcohol, or her anorexic physique might be a problem.
In the sequel to Going Rogue, it is unknown what Sarah will use as the title, but “Going Anorexic” might capitalize on the popularity of the first book, and effectively convey the message of the new book. It is unclear if Palin will be using a “ghost writer” for this book, or if “ghost” is simply the name given to her anorexic friend who is helping her write the book.
The really great thing about this new book is that Sarah is getting the whole family involved. As of this moment, there has been no disclosure of the contents of this new novel, so the following is purely speculation. However given the Palin life-style there is every reason to believe that any of these tidbits of advice could be found in Palin’s next new book.
Every physician and therapist knows that exercise is the secret to a healthy life style. There is a unique form of exercise recommended by Sarah for the perfect workout. Here is an advertisement for the White Woman’s Workout:
Palin can prove that the White Woman’s Workout really works, as she beat Paul Ryan’s marathon time; the one he lied about. Stephen Colbert pointed out the problem with a person who is still employed as a politician. Paul Ryan hasn’t quit his job yet, and doesn’t run as fast at Palin.
2. Quit Your Day Job
Going to work can often result in unwanted calories. Between office parties, going out to lunch with the Attorney General of Alaska, or dinner with the Anchorage Police chief, employment is a guarantee for an unhealthy life. Follow Sarah’s lead and quit your job.
3. Get Take Out if Possible
America loves fast food. The secret to making a political statement, and being anorexic, is to always opt for take out. That way you can be photographed at Chick Filet, and throw the food in the trash on the way out of the parking lot. Nobody knows if the bag is empty or full.
If you have to dine in, there is always the option of visiting the bathroom after the meal. If purging is your only option pizza is preferred to Mexican, as that salsa really burns coming up.
4. Drugs and Alcohol
Sarah might warn of the dangers of drinking mixed drinks that contain those sugary juices and soft drinks. Shots offer the same benefit as mixed drinks, they are more fast acting and less calories than beer, and they add less water-weight. If you vomit from drinking too many shots that is an unexpected benefit.
If drugs are available, they are preferred to all forms of alcohol. Marijuana is not recommended as you are likely to be unable to control your cravings for food. Cocaine is preferable to pot, as it can be inhaled from any surface including an oil drum, it will not add any extra weight, and it often decreases the appetite. However if you live in Wasilla Alaska, the Methamphetamine capital of Alaska, Meth may be your drug of choice. Not only is it easily available, but it offers the added benefit of “extreme anorexia.”
5. Advice from members of the Palin family
Todd: Make your prostitute pay for breakfast, as she doesn’t have much money, so you can limit your intake.
Track: Join the military. You will be guaranteed to lose weight in the service of your country. You’ll lose a lot of water weight gain in Afghanistan, the food is really bad, and if you suffer an amputation, that is a guaranteed loss of at least 25 lbs.
a. Hit your food with a bat before eating it and it will not be as appealing.
b. As a young woman get pregnant. When you give birth, you drop at least 10 lbs. in one day.
c. Economize: If you are having jaw alignment surgery, if you have your liposuction done at the same time, you can avoid duplication of the anesthesiologist’s bill.
Willow: Avoid college. The phenomena of the “Freshman 15” is well documented.
Piper: When making cupcakes, always choose chocolate.
Trig: Tell the babysitter you are just not hungry.
Diana Palin: Go to jail. The food is horrible there.
6. Sarah Palin’s new book will surely have a couple of disclaimers. She would be remiss if she failed to mention that she never said she was making s’mores in honor of Michelle Obama…” That must have been someone else’s dessert.
Palin should also clarify that she wasn’t the one who took sugar cookies, by the dozen, to school kids in Pennsylvania. The members of the lame-stream media were probably confusing her with Mitt Romney when he insulted people in Pennsylvania about the cookies they served him.
Finally the book may provide insights into the life of Sarah Palin that have here-to-fore escaped logical thinking people. We knew that Sarah threw cans of food at Todd. But why cans of food? If she was really mad why not a weapon that wouldn’t damage the refrigerator when he ducked? While the naïve may have assumed Sarah was mad at Todd for being a pimp, and she simply threw anything she could put her hands on, it is now clear that Sarah was mad at him for his choice to eat food.
We also assumed Sarah quit her job take advantage of the tax credit law she enacted while Governor for the making of reality t.v. shows in Alaska. Now we know that she didn’t want to continue to be a politician as she might have to eat corny dogs,
or pork on a stick,
or a hot dog made from something other than moose meat.