Of course the following is not true, as Sarah Palin would never try to help Mitt Romney. If she did, this is the advice she might share.
Mitt, since you only served in elected office 4 years, and that was five years ago, and I have debated Joe O’Biden in the last four years, I thought some of the following tips might help your pathetic campaign.
1. If you have a hard time remembering the name of your opponent, take charge. At the beginning of the debate just ask him if you can call him “Sambo.”
2. Use some catchy phrases and words. I like “wee-weed up,” corrupt bastards, limp, impotent, misunderestimate, big stick, and cajones. You need to find some of your own. You can bet Obama will use “mittconception” which is an attempt to make fun of your misunderstanding of an issue. Here are some you could use:
a. Say that you are not part of the upper class, but part of the “no collar” class, since you are unemployed.
b. Just say “derp” and hit yourself in the head with a hammer, as Mr. Derp did on South Park. Don’t waste your rebuttal time saying something people will forget. They will remember if you hit yourself in the head with a hammer.
c. You may be “poindextrous”, since you understand both nerds and people like yourself, but don’t say that. It make you look like a member of the elite.
d. Say that if people don’t vote for you, WFIO (which means, “We’re f*cked, its over). I said WTF and people talked about it for a long time.
2. Don’t let Ann speak! She is there to attract the women’s vote, and people can see that she has ovaries without the utterance of a word. When she opens her mouth, all sorts of problems result. I always made Todd keep his mouth shut, and that worked well for me.
3. Don’t get tripped up on that whole continent/country thing. Nobody really cares if Africa is a continent or country. They are poor, black, and live far away. If they ask you that question just offer to bet Obama $10,000 that he doesn’t know.
4. I know you often get questions about government sponsored health care since you created that when you were governor. Just say that your form of health care didn’t have “death panels,” and you’ll be fine.
5. If they ask you about Paul Revere, just tell them that you’ll defer to me on that one.
6. If they ask you about foreign policy matters just say that you’ll follow President Bush’s lead.
7. If they ask about your position on our North Korean Allies, just say that they died.
8. If they ask about your position on abortion, say that you are opposed to it in all cases, including when the life of the mother is at risk. After all we have plenty of women in America. The only exception you might consider is in the event the mental state of the fetus is compromised,
assuming the fetus is being carried by a woman in Alaska, and assuming the fetus is female and wearing glasses.
8. If they ask about “legitimate rape” just say you’re against it.
9. If they ask about “don’t ask, don’t tell” just say that you won’t tell.
10. If they ask about same sex marriage, just say that you’re committed to marriage between a man and women.
11. If they ask about whether you have a passport, tell them you not only have one for yourself, but also for your horse.
12. If they ask about your attitude about the disabled, tell them you have a blind trust.
13. If they ask about the elevator for your car, make sure they know that you only have one.
14. If they ask about your policy on the environment, tell them that you value the importance of clean air, and Seamus is proof of that.
15. If they ask you about voter suppression, just say that you are using your pick up truck to transport people to polling locations.
17. If they ask about your comment that they should have windows in airplanes, just tell them they misheard you and you said that they should have “wind powered airplanes.”
18. If they ask about your comment that 47% of people won’t vote for you, tell them that the other 53% will and you’ll win.
19. If they ask whether you love the height of trees in any state other than Michigan, just say that you committee to “state’s rights” and that goes for trees too!
20. If they ask about your singing of “Who let the dogs out” when standing with African American people
just explain that you thought they were members of the group Baha men.