The following is fiction. Any reference to a person or event is purely coincidental.
Date : October 2nd, 2012
Re: Another Blood Libel
Dad and I appeared last night on Dancing With the Stars, without charging the show. I’m flippin mad. I had to bring my own bottled water, the only straws they had were straight, they didn’t give me my own bathroom (which was particularly egregious since we ate at that Chinese place Dad hates before the show), and nobody from the show wanted an interview from Dad or Me. Dad was looking for new employees and got none. I was looking for a younger man, and got none. Willow was there and she was the only one that got what she wanted which was an excuse not to babysit Trig or Tripp. Piper wanted to come, but you know she had a camping trip with some friends so she couldn’t go either. Trig wanted to come but we couldn’t find his glasses, and what good would it be to bring him without his glasses? I told Tripp that he could come if he quit calling Tom a faggot, but he just hit and kicked me, and called me a faggot.
What was Mark thinking? He is a limp, impotent, corrupt bastard who lacks any cojones, and needs to get a big stick! Did he plan for you to be embarrassed? Didn’t he know that if you looked pathetic it would reflect badly on me?! It was his job to teach you how to dance. He did such a horrible job, the judges “slammed” you.
I am still Undefeated, but if you are to remain undefeated it is going to take a hell of a lot of work from all those people on the payroll at C4P. This is just another example of the lame-stream media targeting me for another Blood Libel! They probably paid off the judges to give you the lowest score of any dancers. And by the way who picked out that pitiful costume?
Those boots didn’t match anything and your legs in those short shorts looked like elephant appendages! I know the costume designer picked that outfit for you because you’d never knowingly advertise those thighs. They had you in their crosshairs from the beginning. If you get voted off the show, I’ll have my attorney call the Anchorage Police Department and demand that they issue a press release. They’ll say there is “not one scintilla of evidence in their possession, that they have reviewed that indicates you should have lost this contest.”
I’m going to get Sean to pass a law in Alaska that the state will reimburse 99% of the cost of filming a reality show in Alaska featuring its most famous dancers. Sean could be your partner so he will sponsor the bill, and you could film the show in his office.
I know they said you broke the rules, but just say you didn’t. I know the judges gave you the lowest score of any couple, an 18, but just say they didn’t. I know you looked like you were having cramps during the dance, but just say you weren’t.
Don’t these people realize I have a lot of friends? I’m going to call in a favor from some of my friends in North Korea and ask all of them to vote.
I know you took Mark to the shooting range, so surely they understand that the Palins don’t retreat, we reload. Dad knows a lot of people who shoot guns.
I know someone who shoots with hollow point bullets.
I’ve got them in my crosshairs, so they better watch out. If we have to get physical with them, I’ll call on my friend Glen to help.
If we have to get God involved, I’ll call on our friend Franklin Graham.
If they still don’t get it I’ll have my other friend, Glen, draw them a picture.
If they still won’t do as we ask I’ll get President Reagan to send them a letter.