Oil Change instructions for women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
TOTAL: $31.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
13 comments
Comments feed for this article
January 27, 2012 at 2:46 am
KiheiKat
Sounds about right Malia.
I have a slightly different version for women.
Me: First job with US Forest Service – Swamper for D-7 Cat (bulldozer) – no experience but can-do attitude.
Oil change on Cat. Crawl under Cat, three guys standing around, poking each other in the ribs, smirks on faces.
– Dig hole in ground (out in forest) Before knowledge of environmental
harm.
- Fumble around for drain plug – what’s a drain plug? Don’t ask out loud.
- Find drain plug (fingers crossed that it’s a drain plug) try to loosen w/one
hand – mission impossible, they must have put it on with super glue.
- No beer – laughs coming from above ground. “Need a hand?” “NO!”
“Are you SURE?” “YES!”
- Get other hand & foot involved – mission accomplished.
- Oil gushes out w/force of geyser, drain plug shot deep in mother earth
covered by “gallons” of oil. Splatter everywhere, none on top of head
which would have happened if one hand had worked. (Disappointment
for watchers) More sniggers from up top but lessening.
- Dig deep for drain plug – clean it on clothes, replace.
- Crawl out from under, dirt plastered over oil on person – no blood. Looks
of surprise on faces of watchers. No smirks. Mental note to self – buy
gallon of Spray N Wash.
- Replace oil, saunter off with self-satisfied, carefully disguised, smile.
Some day I’ll tell the tale of changing a tire on the Low-Boy with a Handy-Man Jack.
Stooopid!
January 27, 2012 at 1:42 pm
malialitman
KiheiKat,
I own the power drill in my family and I have never changed my own oil, and don’t plan to.
January 28, 2012 at 1:07 pm
KiheiKat
I’ve never changed my own oil either, and don’t plan to.
It was one of the things you do to get a job, when your ex decides he doesn’t want to work & you have a family to support. It was the only job that was available to me at the time. Having that job made me realize that instead of being the incapable half-wit my ex & parents convinced me I was, I was capable of doing the impossible (strangely at times) and grew a semblance of self-confidence that only continued to grow with each passing job. In the end, I had a very exciting & varied career and found myself.
January 27, 2012 at 2:52 am
neil moerman
That’s hilarious Malia.I love it.
January 27, 2012 at 1:40 pm
malialitman
Neil,
I’ve read it four times, and still laughed out loud!
January 27, 2012 at 8:09 am
californiacruisin
Ha! Great picture! You found the doggone problem.
January 27, 2012 at 10:31 am
aj weishar
Number 1 after “hand cleaner” add “assorted tools from the sale bin that you will never use,” Kick the debit card amount up to $150.
January 27, 2012 at 11:39 am
Dorian M
“9. Give up and use crescent wrench.”
…REAL men undo the plug with their teeth.
January 27, 2012 at 4:19 pm
AKdavedownunder (@AKdavedownunder)
Bwuahahahahahhaha! Perfect.
It sounds like it could easily have been something written by Red Green (Steve Smith, I met him in Fairbanks before he was famous) except that sadly no duct tape was involved.
January 28, 2012 at 12:10 am
malialitman
AKdavedownunder,
I love duct tape! My son made me a wallet made entirely o f duct tape
January 28, 2012 at 7:30 am
jason karov
Good post Malia, and funny stuff. However, I must say that Jiffy Lube and similar places are the worst possible place to get your oil changed
These chain stores have been caught many times NOT doing the work you’ve paid them to do. They are also notorious for selling customers, and especially women services that are absolutely useless, and even bad for your engine. They also use the cheapest oil in many cases.
Even worse, they often employ very inexperienced staff who have famously not tightened the drain plug on your engine, or worst of all, the forget to put oil in the the engine!!!
It is always a MUCH better decision to take your car to a good independent mechanic, or to the dealer. Yes, it might cost you 10 or 15 dollars more, but an engine replacement can be $3000- $10,000 depending on what you’re driving
This is especially important if you have a high end vehicle like Mercedes, BMW, or Audi.
I’ve been doing my own auto maintenance for 40 years, and believe me you do not want these 17 year old high school kids touching your brand new $25,000 vehicle!
January 28, 2012 at 4:33 pm
Rocky in Texas said...
That dog is sitting with an Ford, 4.9L engine…
One of the best engines ever made by Ford.
January 29, 2012 at 12:01 am
pam
Oh so funny…