The following is not true. Sarah Palin never sent this e-mail, but Newt does have a Moby Dick problem, and Sarah Palin seems to like Moby Dick too!

 

To: The Newt

From: Sarah

Re: Moby Dick

 

Newt,

Congrats on your real undefeated race in South Carolina. Do you think you won there because of the $5,000,000 contribution of Sheldon Adelson, the billionaire casino owner with anti-union, anti-regulatory, pro-gambling, pro-conservative values, or did you just know a lot of women in South Carolina?

I know your next challenge will be Florida. Sean Hannity said to be sure to tell you that primary will be on Jan. 31, 2012 …so don’t forget.

Here’s the problem. It’s Moby Dick. I heard about Rick’s “Google Problem,” and his “other” Google problem.  As you consider the Florida primary, I think you have a Moby Dick problem. I’m not talking about your adultery problems, and somebody said there was a book by that name, but…any-who I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about your travel by private planes. “Republican Presidential Travel” is headquartered in Alaska and is now known by the name “Moby Dick Airways. I’m so confused. Isn’t Moby Dick the same company you used for private plane flights paid for by your former 527 group, “American Solutions?” Didn’t American Solutions pay $677,539 to Moby Dick? What’s up with that Moby Dick? I heard from Piper that your campaign expenditures included 30 separate travel-related payments, most of them for thousands of dollars. The owner of Republican Presidential Travel, a company I have used, tells me he used to own Moby Dick. Newt ya gotta pay attention. Any company you use called “Moby Dick” just makes you look like a …well a dick.

If I am going to help you in Florida here are the things you gotta do for me:

1. Fix the Dick problem. 

2.  Don’t throw any dwarfs while you are campaigning in Florida. . Ritch Workman is a Republican legislator who has recently come to the attention of the lame-stream media for his efforts to give Dwarfs the right to be tossed, and I’m all about job creation.

3.  Only ask for a recount if you lose the primary.

4.  I am undefeated and not a quitter. Thus I don’t want to be associated with quitters or defeated candidates either. You must promise to never mention that you quit serving as the Speaker of the House, or that I quit serving as the Governor. I’ll call you “Mr. Speaker” and you call me “Governor.”

5.  Fix the Sarah Silverman problem.

6. You must pick me as your Vice Presidential running mate. You can’t win in the general election, so picking me won’t effect the outcome, but it will enhance my ability to make another reality show.

 

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