Of course the following letter is fictitious. God only talks to Sarah Palin. When he does write a letter he always uses UPS because he knows everything, and that includes the fact that the U.S. mail is unreliable.

Your Heavenly Father

0000 Holy Lane

Heaven

Sarah Palin

Quitter Extraordinaire

Via Certified Mail, Return Receipt Requested

Dear Sarah,

I don’t usually make mistakes, but you are a “do-over”. Even if you change your appearance through re-alignment procedures, the core remains the same. There is no re-alignment procedure for the brain. There is no remedy for being a liar except to stop lying, and that seems to be contrary to your DNA. There is no remedy for being a hypocrite, except to stop talking, and you even talk in your sleep. When you say you have a “Servant’s Heart” I tend to think of Mother Theresa, or my friend John, the one who Baptizes. I don’t think of an Empress who calls people a “child molester” “limp” “impotent” and a “puppy kicker.”

Let me make something clear. All the people on the Earth are my children. The fact that they look different is just because I got bored that day and made them different colors, heights, weights, and gave them different body parts, with the option of doing all sorts of things with those parts. What makes you a hypocrite and a “do-over” is not the fact that you slept with Glen Rice. Glen’s a nice guy, and I don’t care that you slept with him. What I care about is…did you use a condom?! What I care about is…did you sleep with him because you liked him, or were you just doing it on a “dare”? What bothers me is the fact that you advocate “abstinence only” education for kids in public, and in private you seem to abstain only from telling the truth. It bothers me that I gave you a “special needs” child, and you accepted the gift but your idea of meeting his special needs is to take him on book signing trips. It bothers me that your idea of a family vacation is to spend thousands of dollars decorating a bus for Piper to ride on, when all she really wanted was for you to spend a couple of dollars on the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party ride at Disneyland.

You have also established yourself as a hypocrite by telling people you talk to me and that you whisper to the Holy Spirit. The only whispering you really do is to your drug dealer, and the only people to whom you speak pay you $100,000.00 per hour.  I don’t have any cash, and if I did I wouldn’t give it to you.

If your goal is to please me, don’t run for President. If you think it’s a family decision, think again. Your family simply wants to be rid of you, and the President’s house is further away than the Governor’s house in Alaska. If they wouldn’t move into the Juneau house with you, why would you think they’d leave the Wasilla house for one in D.C.?   In Alaska you own the police department, and elected governmental officials. Why would you leave the comfort of home? That fire in your belly

is probably just your body telling you that it’s time to eat, not run for President. Eat a taco, and the feeling will pass.

The American people are starting to catch-on to this “God” thing. Michelle Bachmann has used Me to suggest that Marcus doesn’t really like corny dogs, even though he clearly does.

Rick Perry has used me as his scapegoat. He thinks I am responsible for the fires in Texas. Those fires came from the devil, and Perry must have really pissed-off the devil. How is that my responsibility?

If you run for President, and try to suggest that I wanted you to do it, you’ll be sorry. The “Undefeated” will be defeated once again, and by a Black person once again. Remember when you said: “Sambo beat the bitch?”  If you run this time, “Sambo” will still win, but the “bitch” he’ll be beating will be you.

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