The Palin Family
1140 W. Parks Hwy.
Wasilla, AK   9965
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Postmaster General
US Post Office
401 N. Main St.
Wasilla, AK

RE:  The Three Sarahs

To:  The Postmaster General

From:  The Palin Clan

It is our understanding that if mail is to be delivered to anyone at our house, we are required to advise you in writing that such a person is living here.  Please continue to deliver mail to all persons previously identified as living in the Palin household.  However it seems that some mail has been lost or is not accounted for, so consider this your official notice that there are at least three “Sarah Palins” who live at this house.  One is the Perky Sarah, there is the Catatonic Sarah,  www.amazon.com/Game-Change-Clintons-Lifetime-ebook/dp,  and there is the third one who has not been specifically identified by name.  If you see her you will be able to quickly identify her when she refers to you by names that you had heretofore never associated with yourself.  We never know which of the Sarahs will be home at any particular time, so be aware that without warning, you might encounter any one of the three.  The Perky Sarah might be identified by the inflection of her voice.  She might be waiving or winking, and she might bless you as you approach the mail slot.  The catatonic Sarah will probably never answer the door, so you will not likely encounter her.  If you have packages and there is no answer, just leave the boxes on the porch, or give them to Trig.  The angry Sarah is the easiest one to identify.  She is the one associated with an exceptionally loud voice, facial grimacing, and foul language.

Because there is some chance that the postman might see any one of the Sarahs, you may need to caution any mail carriers who may venture onto our porch.

  1. Because the post office is a branch of the federal government, I would tell all your delivery people that if they want to keep their jobs, they should not disclose to the lamestream media which Sarah is around that day.  www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2010/10/sarah-palin-2.
  2. If your delivery people hear about Death Panels, just tell them there is no such thing as a “Death Panel.” However warn the mail carriers not to mention anything about Death Panels if they should happen to see any of the Sarahs. www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2009/dec/18.  All three Sarahs have the power to ruin anyone, or at least they think that, so please use caution.  Ibid.
  3. If the mailperson talks to one of the Sarahs who is “indifferent” or “angry” understand that the Sarah they saw that day may just be having a bad day.  Please assure the mail carrier that they are in no way responsible.  The particular Sarah seen that day was probably just disappointed with the person who washed her underwear that day.  Vanityfair, Ibid.
  4. If you have a package or letter that is C.O.D., just send the bill to the house, but don’t ask any of the Sarahs any questions which require competency in math or accounting.  None of the Sarahs is experienced with math or accounting.  Ibid.  Piper has mastered adding and subtracting even though she has missed so much school, and she will gladly make change.  She will leave the change in an unmarked envelope for the mail carrier.  If Piper should identify the envelope in some way indicating money was enclosed, one of the Sarahs would certainly confiscate it, thinking that if it was money it was intended for her.
  5. If the postal delivery people hear things being thrown in the house, please do not stop.  We can wait for the mail till the next day, and it may be a safety issue for your employees.  Temper tantrums are not unusual for the angry Sarah, but might be shocking to an unsuspecting mail carrier.  Some visitors to the house have witnessed a “core meltdown,” so warn your mail carriers that even if there is no sound emanating from the house, if they should see something oozing from beneath the front door, don’t stop, move on to the next house on the route. Ibid.
  6. Please advise any early morning delivery people that if they should hear phrases such as “fu*k you,” “fu*k this,” “you’re fu*king lucky to have me,” or “You are a lazy piece of shit” those comments are being directed at members of the household, and not intended to disparage the mail carriers.  Vanity Fair Ibid.
  7. The eight “No Trespassing” signs on the trees in the front yard do not apply to the mail carriers.  Ibid.
  8. When the carriers enter the front gate and they see the symbol of the North Star, they should bow their heads, and pray to God that the perky Sarah is home.
  9. None of the Sarahs are good tippers, so I would warn the mail carriers that they should not expect a tip, even for the heaviest of boxes.  There is one exception.  All three Sarahs have been looking for a dinosaur to point out to the lamestream media, so if one of your carriers should spot one and point it out any one of the Sarahs, a tip might be possible.
  10. Warn any mail carrier NOT to wear a fur hat on the Palin premises.  I know that it gets cold during the Alaskan winter, but I am guessing the mail carriers would prefer to be cold, rather than dead.
  11. If your carriers receive mail addressed to the “retard”, please don’t deliver it unless the return address is “Rush Limbaugh”.
  12. Please caution the carriers to ensure that all mail delivered to the Palin household is in fact addressed to the Palins and not to the neighbor, Joe McGinnis.  Receipt of an envelope addressed to Joe might be enough to cause the catatonic or the perky Sarah to transform into the angry Sarah, and she might “reload”.
  13. We still have that envelope that was addressed to Joe O’Biden, that was returned marked “unknown addressee.”  You know who that is!
  14. If you receive any mail addressed to the Governor of Alaska, realize that even though all three Sarahs like to be called “Governor,” the Sarahs do not accept any responsibilities associated with serving as Governor,…and that includes opening the mail.
  15. Diana Palin is still in jail, so don’t send us her mail.
  16. If you receive any mail with a return address of New York, and from a Muslim, don’t bother to bring it to the house.  Just mark it return to sender, unless of course it contains money.
  17. If you receive any pink envelopes with a return address of a man, don’t bother to bring that either, unless it includes money.
  18. The bear claw on the door is a knocker.  Never ring the bell as it might prompt the emergence of the angry Sarah.
  19. Any of the Sarahs are glad to receive mail addressed to God, and ours is the correct address.  One of the Sarahs will surely respond as all three know what he is thinking.
  20. Occasionally you will be asked to deliver a box from Glenn Beck.  Don’t bother.  He is a lying sack of dog mess, so we don’t want a box from him.

I have attached a note from one of the Sarahs.  I think it is the angry one, so I apologize in advance.

To the Fu*king Post Ofice:

I am a citizen, and I love my freedom.  You must not love your freedom, and you probably never served in the military, or you would not be harassing me.  I pay my taxes, at least some of them, so I hold you accountable.  Fox News confirmed my suspicion that   Barack Obama is the boss of all the mail carriers, so it is his fault that my mail has been mishandled.

  1. I sent a letter to Margaret Thatcher.  I put a stamp on it, but it was returned with a slash through the stamp, and somebody had the gall to write on the envelope that there was insufficient postage.  Do you think I was born yesterday?  I put a stamp on the envelope and I have the envelope to prove it.  There is a name for this… “Obamail.”
  2. I got a letter in the mail addressed to Santa Clause.  It is common knowledge that he doesn’t live in Wasilla.  He lives in North Pole Alaska.  Duh!
  3. I sent a letter to Barack Obama, and it was returned to me marked “insufficient address.”  I sent it to Washington D.C.  I thought I was being a little compulsive to put D.C. on the envelope.  But NO, you acted like you needed his address.  I know you know where he lives!  Duh!
  4. A few weeks ago I gave a speech to the good people at C.S.U. Stanislaus, and made a little error regarding the location of Ronald Reagan’s college.  I sent him a letter of apology to his current address in California.  I expected that Reagan  would at least acknowledge that he had gotten my letter, but I haven’t gotten a response from him.    I know he wouldn’t be so rude as to not thank me for my letter of apology.  You must have lost that letter. Just another example of people in the Obama Administration failing to take responsibility for their mistakes.