Persons who have followed B.S.’s 12 Step Program are men and women who have shared their experience, strength, and hope in an effort to achieve the type of conservatism that has become known as “common sense”.  The only requirement for membership in this elite society is the desire to create as much distance as possible between yourself and reality.  The wonderful thing about this society is that it purports to achieve enlightenment through “common sense”, where none may exist.  A prerequisite to membership is to cleanse your body of the evil promoted by liberals, sometimes referred to as “reality”.  There are no dues or fees, but Beautiful Sarah will gladly accept any contributions you may wish to make as a sign of your devotion to God, and to the principles set forth in this easy 12 Step Program.  After taking moral inventory of yourself, compare your score to Sarah’s and see how you rate.  Unethical behavior will actually increase your score, so don’t concern yourself with past transgressions.

These are the steps recommended by B.S.  Follow these, and you too can reach enlightenment.  You will be reborn as a “common sense conservative”, even if you don’t know what that means.

  1. Getting pregnant is critical:  The first step is to become pregnant by the man you think you want to marry. The younger you are when you achieve this goal, the vaster our choice of men will be.  Fear not for your future as you will have 9 months to decide if you actually want to marry that man.  Pregnancy puts you in the drivers’ seat.  As evidenced by Sarah’s experience with Todd, and Bristol’s experience with Levi, just look at what can be accomplished if you take control of your future.   If you become unhappy with your choice and opt for an abortion, don’t worry.  You won’t fall from grace, or Sarah’s blessing.  She hired Lynn Vincent to write her book Going Rogue and Lynn admits to having an abortion.  Sarah has endorsed Star Parker and she has had four abortions.  Thus the critical criterion is what you SAY, as opposed to what you DO.  Additionally, always be the victim.  Nothing brings out the stupid in men like a helpless woman who is being put down by insensitive and mean spirited bloggers.
  2. Forget education: Education takes a lot of time and is hard work.  Don’t expect yourself to have the discipline necessary to acquire something you don’t need. Todd has only a high school degree and he was able to become a millionaire by marrying Sarah.  The lesson to learn is simply marrying someone who is rich, or who will become rich, or be adopted by a person who has achieved financial success.  Bristol and Track don’t have college degrees, but they both have very comfortable lives and they aren’t even married.
  3. Quitting:  If you gain fame from being a politician, or through another more difficult method, take immediate advantage of the publicity.  Commitment and dedication are overrated.  Learn from Sarah.  She quit as soon as possible after achieving fame.  In just 12 short months she made over $12,000,000.  Remember the adage:  “You can fool most of the people, for a short time.”  You can’t fix “stupid” so don’t waste you time trying.  Make money while you are hot.
  4. Look Out for Number One: If you are pregnant with a “special needs” child, having had 4 previous pregnancies, and you have a chance to give a speech, just do it.  You have had babies before, and you are a self-sufficient, independent woman.  To suggest that you should rely upon medical personnel to assist in the delivery is to suggest that you are weak and dependant.  Some people might try to convince you that traveling on an airplane after your water has broken, and after you have started having contractions is unwise.   Ignore them!  Labor is a total waste of time.  An average airplane passenger wastes a lot of time sitting on the plane.  You must be a master of multi-tasking.  Spending 10 hours on a flight, while in labor, is a perfect example of time management skills that you can achieve if you are so committed.  I know people say that Down syndrome kids have more health risks than other kids, but after all they are already “special needs” children.  God helps those who help themselves.  As adults we each have our own “special needs.”, If you compromise the health of your baby it will be good training for the baby.  Your unborn child will understand that to focus on their own “special needs” is selfish and self-centered.  Parents must teach by example.  If we don’t teach our kids to look out for their own self interest, who will?
  5. Invest for the Long Term:Neighbors are cost centers.  Loving your neighbor is a drain on your energy, time, and productivity.  If that neighbor is writing a book about you, he represents a long-term liability.  The cost of a tall fence pales in comparison to the potential financial impact that neighbor may have on your future wealth.
  6. God Made You White and Heterosexual to Ensure the Future of the Race:  God’s plan is for you to procreate with other people of the same race, as often as possible.  Birth control should never be used by a Caucasian.  If you are homosexual, or of another more colorful race of people you, or your parents, were simply not praying hard enough.  We must return to our roots.  When humans walked the earth with the dinosaurs there were only Caucasian heterosexual people.
  7. Lying is an Acquired Skill:  Don’t feel discouraged if you have made some bad choices in the past.  Nothing is too difficult to overcome if you have faith.  Four abortions, armed robbery, welfare abuse, shoplifting, and drug usage didn’t deter Star Parker, who has Sarah’s endorsement.  Advertising yourself as a devout Christian may be all that people need to hear to disregard past transgressions.  After all, it is a Christian virtue to “forgive” so if a person can’t forgive you; it is their failing, not yours.  Sarah Palin has achieved mastery of art of lying.  She can even convince herself that she is not lying, if it suits her purpose.  The bridge to nowhere, the road to nowhere, Troopergate, lowering sales tax in Wasilla, decreasing debt for Alaska, or banning books about homosexuality are just a few representative samples of the expertise that is possible to achieve with practice and a commitment to excellence.
  8. Invoke God’s Name Often: You can say or do stupid things, but invoking God’s name will cause people to forget your failings.  The Bible says that we are sinners, and that we are not perfect.  You can criticize the President for using a teleprompter, while writing on your hand.  You can chant “drill baby drill” immediately before the worst environmental disaster in America’s history.  You can advocate the building of dikes 41 miles off shore where the ocean floor is 5,000 feet deep, but all will be forgiven if you suggest that we should seek divine intervention.  God is a powerful force.  Don’t be afraid to use him.
  9. Establish a World View: Sign language is universal.  A simple waive of your hand, or something as simple as a wink can send a powerful message. Even if you have not traveled outside of your hometown, just turn to the east and the west and waive.  Now you can say that you have communicated with people from around the world.  If you encounter an adversary, wink.  A simple wink can disarm even the fiercest of opponents.  They are often caught off guard and unprepared to respond.
  10. Animals are Not Your Friends: Don’t be afraid to kill any animal if it makes you happy.  There are more non-human mammals in the world than people, so we are in the minority.  I would like to see humans become the majority during my lifetime.
  11. Children Are Here For Your Use: Since the beginning of time families have had many children and it was the obligation of the kids to serve their parents.  Kids have worked in the fields where they were essential to planting and harvesting.  Children today don’t share the same work ethic, or the commitment to family values that was seen in children that lived 100 years ago.  If Piper needs to miss school to serve as Sarah’s ambassador of good will it is her obligation to do so.  If Trig needs to be up past his bedtime to serve as a reminder of Sarah’s position on abortion, it is his obligation to do so.  Sarah gave life to him…at least that is what she says.  If Bristol had to become a “born again virgin” to excuse past transgressions, she owes it to her mother to right the wrongs of the past.  God gave you children for your use, so use them.

These 12 steps are not a guarantee for enlightenment, but they will certainly put the odds in your favor.  If God blessed you with physical attractiveness, then he must love you more than those of average, or below average, appearance.  Sarah Palin is a perfect example of a person who thought hell would freeze over before people would vote for her for any political position.  Her blood is cold, but it is not frozen.  She has taught us that the political system can be manipulated by a pretty woman.  If you love your freedom; if you love your God; if you are grateful to the members of the military; simply send in 13 easy payments of $1999.99, one for each step of the program.  God Bless You!

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